MJ's Mind

Im all grown up but feeling ever more like a child

Every part of me wants out, to more consistently be wild

Not to worry about what I do or what I say

But to be able to do whatever I want my way

Im tired of being misjudged, to be called wrong things rather than weird

Simply because I’m not your typical cog, I run a little different, enough to need unique gears

Im a little much and even more so the less you were prepared

Though I can be worth more if you are still willing to be here

a filterless mess who is kind but apathetic

Who will cry for what others feel but have said something rude cuz i just bluntly said it

I feel so trapped, in disarray

In my own prison my mind’s the cage

It keeps me in, shuts others out

Reminds my best, its the worst route

I move on forward or so it goes

But i dont really know where i go

As i fall further from the light

I slowly lose all my delights

Ive lost my faith my pride my joy

Ive lost all which I enjoyed

I lost it all inside the dark

Lost it all along my heart

It hurts much more now than before

I feel me sinking to the floor

Every single day there’s been rain on my parade
But it hardly even matters, Ill just be glad you came
I’d be even happier if I could get you to stay
Though thats pretty hard when I never know what to say

In my mind theres a 1000 words all the time
Yet somehow I can never let them out I find
They’re not lost, I simply seem to lose my voice
Its my lost, unable to believe in my own choice

I lack trust, pride, and all sense of control
You’d never understand unless you’ve also hit these same lows
It’s like death, wandering without a soul
Lifeless, moving with no hope or goals

I move on, losing myself little by little
Getting to the point of feeling less than a tittle
Top of an “i” but there’s no high spot for me
A hellish ride with chains that’ll never let me free

There once was a time where I wish I would not breathe

I went as far as even trying to leave

My soul, my body, this entire reality

I always knew it just wasnt meant for me

It seemed so very simple, people do it everyday

I took it upon myself, I decided I couldn’t stay

Self asphyxiation felt like such a simple way

Til I passed out, failed yet I pushed through all the way

I wish I had known that my plan wouldn’t work

I would’ve done it better, wasnt worried about the hurt

A plethora of ways, so many things I could have tried

My own method ruined my goal, I got self denied

Though alive through it all, I cant say i am living

Ever since then, ive never really felt like i am winning

Going through the motions but I dont feel intact

Infact my mind always seems to wonder back

Back to the day where i tried to throw it all away

Trying still to figure out why on Earth do I stay

Not much hope, nor any good, got no reason I say

Yet regardless I yearn for better days

I was only eleven when i attempted suicide

Some people say thats a pretty young age to die

At least it was my own decision, its what i decide

Yet it left me broken, no longer living just barely alive

It didn’t work but there are times that I wish it did

it couldn’t work, not with how i attempted

Tied around my neck, it was as good as it got

Asphyxiation, a simple way out is what i thought

Without oxygen, my own brain got in my way

No more signals to tell my arms to stay

So when i dropped, so did the tension

I couldn’t even finish the job I mentioned

You’d think it over but trust me I wished so too

I was woken up only to be ridiculed

Like my mistake, I shoulda done well and died

Sadly ive been known not to succeed but to just try

Trapped with the doubts in my mind
Can’t let it out, was taught well to hide
Even if it leads to the end of me
I did well never letting anyone see
Dont show it matters, that will only make it worst
Yet keeping it all inside feels like I’ve been cursed
No special skill, no use of any black magic
A form of forced silence that feels so tragic

How could I say I have no desire
That I’ve been feeling so empty and tired
Lost my joy, worth, and voice
Had them taken from me, even robbed me of my choice

Empty, I walk around as a shell
All I see is my own personal hell
Can’t even fathom how far I fell
Wish I had someone to tell
At least in hopes of feeling well
I want out my mind, out of the cell

I wonder, how much more can I  even take

How much more can I handle before i finally break

When life moves, I seem forever still

When I move, I sink deeper than if I was still

I pick myself up, but really I just drag me down

Ive never been up, got quite used to the ground

broken, bleeding, disappearing at my core

I keep on wondering, just how much more

A day, a month, a couple more jabs

Cant get used to pain, but im ready lads 

Ill take what I can get just so i have something to feel

Ill take what I can get to remind myself, I too am real

As the pain comes and the darkness grows

Its no wonder how my lights are so low

Unable to see anything clear

I wander around with more and more fear

Until doubt is the only thing that clouds my mind

Til there isnt a sliver of light inside 

Again I wonder, just how much more

How much more do I possibly have to suffer for

I think many would be surprised if I just died

Decided on my own, its kinda hard to wanna be alive

Ive been putting in the work, the sweat, the tears

Though none of it ever feels worth it you hear

It takes a toll

Spiraling further out of control

Losing yourself in the mess

Failing all of life’s tests

It hurts, this pain, it wont go away

It hurts, this pain, i simply cannot stay

It hurts even more when I feel like a stain

It hurts even more when I lose what ive gained

It hurts so much, id rather just lay here on the floor

It hurts so much, ill take any exit, any door

It hurts too much, why is it hard to take anymore

It hurts too much, its breaking me down to the core

You will never love as I do

For when I love, its with all that I do

I give my mind, body, soul, and spirit

I do whatever I can to ensure you always hear it

Traverse all and any seas 

just to set your mind at ease

Blast up to outer space

So we can be in the same place

Dig down to any depths 

To be with you until death

I love you, that I do

I love you through through

I love you, as I do

I love you more than you love me too

My entire existence feels so denied 

It makes me wonder why I even try

It cuts so deep, every little thought 

No-one truly understands just what I got

No silence in this mind of mine

No kindness either, though i seem fine

like a picture of the sun on the horizon

unable to tell if its setting or rising