Category Archives: Poems

People look to me as if I wasted my life

9 years with someone I didnt make my wife

A third of it used on somebody I used to know

Somebody who had meant everything, someone who was my goal

It went long it went hard but the end still came

I wish it went better but truthfully it was a shame

It had more bad than good, it caused a bit of harm

All the arguing and fighting should have been the alarm

It wasnt all bad but it was never going good

Something we didn’t realize but it was the one thing we should

how did we not notice with all of our problems

they were just ignored whenever we couldn’t solve’em

We let them linger, and fester until they took hold

People would say that our relationship was out of control

We couldn’t fix it, we should have never tried

The two of us together, we were not in our right minds

Not just different, opposites that had attract

Our thoughts always even clashed as a matter of fact

Now that its over I feel quite at peace 

less fighting, less arguing, less bad to say the least

Though like then, I wont say its all good

I do know its going better than it ever could

I know me, yea I must be insane
I can’t quite say why, though I’m sure I can explain
It aint for the love of the sport but I love it all the same
Its the darker parts of me that I do well to contain
Like some oddities I know I happen to enjoy
Some sick sense of pleasure, a sadistic sense of joy
I don’t like to be evil, but ill do it for good
Ill even admit Ill enjoy it more than I should
For this theyll call me sick, say that we shouldnt be friends
I guess I shouldn’t even say it even when I trust them
But these are my thoughts, its what I like, its who I am
How could you deny, reject, and ignore it like thats a plan

You may not have meant to but you were defintely not the first
There are plenty of others who’ve learned less and done much worst
People want peace but always just dish out tons of pain
From insults and slurs to violence, its all the same
They just ensure chaos, keep us stuck in the pits
Its this negative thinking thats makes good so hard to get
Tough skin that still cracks and still bleeds
A sad enduring life is where this is going to lead

We all look for love and pray for harmony
But how can we do this if we still harm many
Open up your views, dont let them be your prison
There won’t be no problems unless their your creation
Its different its weird but as long as it causes no harm
There’s no need to be rude, nor to start to alarm
We can be better, we can come in peace
Or be kind enough to stay quiet at least

It feels so good to be able to smile
Even if it goes unseen for a while
I can’t take it, I only smile in the dark
That’s just the way I learned to protect my heart
I spent so long watching it bleed
My solution sucked, it just hid everything
I had no faith no pride and no courage
I was sick of life and the way that it hurts us
Beaten battered down til we are nothing but nervous
We stood our ground til we couldn’t handle more of this
Some lost their bodies,their mind, but we are all soulless
Stuck trying to find some sort of peace, some sort of solace
Its hard to find that sort of thing, we all know this
We offer life, we lose our light and thus have no life to live
But we make do with what we can do to try to make our lights live
We don’t give in, we dont give up, we wait to fight again
Cuz once we love our wills to fight, we all know how that ends

There are days I inquire of my own pain

I wish to bleed just to make sure I feel the same

To cause such distress to understand my mind

I have thoughts like these sometimes

A little bit of pain, or more if need be

A little for the edge, the rest for serenity 

To step outside my mind and feel a bit of peace

How could such pain not tempt be tempting

To no longer be numb, even if only for a moment

It’s what needs to be done, just to endure this torment

Though it causes a thought, one I should not think

So I share all my heart, for this is what I need

Connections are one at a time

That’s how they feel to me

One person comes

Then the other gets ready to leave

A few at once

It usually lasts a couple weeks

Til im left with none

Its like this on repeat

They come they go they come they go

My connections are all weak

 

People say forget about the past buts thats what made who I am

The good, the bad, the weird, its what made me a unique man

Ive been through so much, much I have never told

From beating people down to spending hours in the cold

Though Ive had many friends, ive always felt rather alone

Its made it feel so pointless that I even own a phone

It connects better than I, thats a fact I cant deny

Yet im called friendly and kind so its begs the question why

Why is it then, that I feel I cant connect

Like all that I say and do could never be correct

It breaks me bit by bit, makes it easy to fall apart

I feel so trapped, I dont where to start

Bound and gagged, my hands, my voice, my mind

I want out to find my people, to connect with my kind

Im all grown up but feeling ever more like a child

Every part of me wants out, to more consistently be wild

Not to worry about what I do or what I say

But to be able to do whatever I want my way

Im tired of being misjudged, to be called wrong things rather than weird

Simply because I’m not your typical cog, I run a little different, enough to need unique gears

Im a little much and even more so the less you were prepared

Though I can be worth more if you are still willing to be here

a filterless mess who is kind but apathetic

Who will cry for what others feel but have said something rude cuz i just bluntly said it

I feel so trapped, in disarray

In my own prison my mind’s the cage

It keeps me in, shuts others out

Reminds my best, its the worst route

I move on forward or so it goes

But i dont really know where i go

As i fall further from the light

I slowly lose all my delights

Ive lost my faith my pride my joy

Ive lost all which I enjoyed

I lost it all inside the dark

Lost it all along my heart

It hurts much more now than before

I feel me sinking to the floor

Every single day there’s been rain on my parade
But it hardly even matters, Ill just be glad you came
I’d be even happier if I could get you to stay
Though thats pretty hard when I never know what to say

In my mind theres a 1000 words all the time
Yet somehow I can never let them out I find
They’re not lost, I simply seem to lose my voice
Its my lost, unable to believe in my own choice

I lack trust, pride, and all sense of control
You’d never understand unless you’ve also hit these same lows
It’s like death, wandering without a soul
Lifeless, moving with no hope or goals

I move on, losing myself little by little
Getting to the point of feeling less than a tittle
Top of an “i” but there’s no high spot for me
A hellish ride with chains that’ll never let me free

There once was a time where I wish I would not breathe

I went as far as even trying to leave

My soul, my body, this entire reality

I always knew it just wasnt meant for me

It seemed so very simple, people do it everyday

I took it upon myself, I decided I couldn’t stay

Self asphyxiation felt like such a simple way

Til I passed out, failed yet I pushed through all the way

I wish I had known that my plan wouldn’t work

I would’ve done it better, wasnt worried about the hurt

A plethora of ways, so many things I could have tried

My own method ruined my goal, I got self denied

Though alive through it all, I cant say i am living

Ever since then, ive never really felt like i am winning

Going through the motions but I dont feel intact

Infact my mind always seems to wonder back

Back to the day where i tried to throw it all away

Trying still to figure out why on Earth do I stay

Not much hope, nor any good, got no reason I say

Yet regardless I yearn for better days