Category Archives: Diary

You know what’s very interesting? I find the idea of a relationship to be very selfish. The idea of love though is not. That level of caring for someone is amazing. The want of having someone love you back is completely understandable. Asking for someone’s life though is a pretty big question. I know its treated like nothing anymore but you are asking someone for their entirety. I know there are methods to back out and what not which is precisely why I feel like its lost its meaning. It just isn’t as big of a deal as I make it out to be huh? But don’t you also want that person who you grow old with? Don’t you want to be able to say, happy 50th anniversary with a smile and actually mean it? You don’t get that unless you ask with true meaning. It may have lost its value to many people out there but I hope one day, you understand what I mean.

It was only a few days ago where I came to the realization that I am sexist. Not in the way you probably expect. I, a male, am uncomfortable around men. Not to say I am like this to all men. There are just many times where a male’s presence does indeed make me uncomfortable. Inversely I am uncomfortable around women but they provide a sense of safety for me. I don’t see a therapist or anything but bear with my line of thinking real quick. What if I feel uncomfortable around women because I am a man? I am the very thing that makes me feel uncomfortable so why would women who already feel that way for men not feel the same way around me? Don’t get me wrong, I hear it all the time. “You aren’t like other men. You are different.” Then why do I feel like I’m one of them so often. Coincidentally I wrote about worshipping friends a day before two of my friends told me of their interesting interactions with men that day. One friend receives messages from someone she hadn’t spoken to in years. A coworker who was now a forgotten memory reached out and confessed his love for her. Personally I find it weird to be able to maintain a desire, a connection, for someone without talking or seeing the person at all. Though, at the same time I understood the idea of yearning for someone for a long period of time. I mean isn’t that how relationships are perceived in movies? As if the passage of time doesn’t affect love. The reality is that people do change. Meanwhile another friend who is currently having relationship issues but is trying to fix them hung out with a male friend. He made an inappropriate comment of wanting to be used by her. Absolutely wrong. She is trying to fix the relationship, so definitely not something that she’d want to hear. I do get the idea of wanting to be used by someone you “love’ but there is a time n place for it. So now you are probably wondering what those two men have in common with me. Easy. We all worship something and it may not necessarily be the right thing to do but we all do it. The first worshipped a woman for years. Well the idea of this woman. Not the actual woman. (Can’t blame him. I be crushing on her hard.) The second worships a taken woman with the desire to take her for himself. The third is the unmentioned man in the relationship failing to worship the person he chose to worship. And me who worships many people where maybe none of which should be worshipped at all.